Ten things I know…

I can’t prove it, but it’s the only logical conclusion given the evidence. Sammy Hagar was born in 1947 and is sixty years old as of this writing. As these photos clearly illustrate, Rock-and-Roll legend Sammy Hagar is walking around in the body of a man at least twenty years his junior. Look at that hair! What is responsible for Mr. Hagar’s freakishly youthful appearance? I believe I know.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in the guise of Sherlock Holmes, said, “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” I won’t bore you with the details of my thought processes, but I was able, after some hours of thought, to reduce the Sammy Hagar mystery to two possibilities.

• Hypothesis #1: Living the rock star life is good for your health.
• Hypothesis #2: Sammy Hagar engages in youth-prolonging rituals, namely the drinking of virgin blood.

Now, it doesn’t take a genius to see that #1 is clearly impossible. All one needs to do to prove that to one’s self is to reflect on the number of rock stars that have choked on their own vomit before the age of thirty. Clearly, the rock star life is not good for your health. That leaves only one possibility: Sammy Hagar drinks virgin blood. He may supplement his virgin blood intake with healthy eating habits and yoga, but I think we all know where the real power is coming from (Satan).

What about Mick Jagger, you ask? Yes, Mick appears astonishingly fit for his age, but as these photos show, Mick Jagger, who is only four years older than Sammy Hagar, has actually aged during the course of his nearly fifty years in show business. The difference is subtle but important: Mick Jagger looks very fit for his age, whereas Sammy Hagar looks like he is some other age, completely!

If Sammy Hagar happens to read this, I would like to invite him to send me his secret age-defying virgin-blood recipes, I promise to keep them to myself. I would love to look that good at sixty. In fact, I’d like to look that good, now.

If Mick Jagger reads this, you rock, dude. You wear your wrinkles well, but you might consider asking Sammy for just one or two bottles of his evil brew, so you don’t die before you make it back to the American south for another show.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 3:08 pm and is filed under Front Page Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.